Domestic violence is abusive behavior used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. It can involve actions, threats, or other ways of making you do something you don't want to. It can take many forms that include, but are not limited to, the following examples: 

• Physical: Hitting, pushing, holding down

• Sexual: Demanding sex, rape, touching

• Emotional: Calling names, bullying, shaming, jealousy, making you feel worthless

• Economic: Controlling money or other things that money can buy; stopping you from working; taking your money or other property

• Psychological: Manipulative behavior, gaslighting, embarrassing you in public

• Technological: Controlling access to phones and computers, cyberstalking, online harassment, tracking where you are

Domestic violence has a range of effects, any of which are traumatic and life-changing. Some of them are as follows:

Physical effects:

• Bruising 

• Bruising or marks around the neck

• Sprained or broken wrists 

• Chronic fatigue/Insomnia

• Shortness of breath 

• Involuntary shaking 

• Changes in eating/sleeping patterns 

• Fertility issues 

• Chronic pain

• Gastrointestinal distress

• Chest, back, and pelvic pain 

• Traumatic brain injury 

Mental effects: 

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (a mental health condition that's caused by an extremely stressful or terrifying event — either being part of it or witnessing it)

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Low self-esteem

• Suicidal thoughts or attempts 

• Alcohol and/or drug abuse 

Emotional and spiritual effects: 

• Feeling hopeless/discouraged about the future

• Feeling unworthy or not good enough

• Inability to trust 

• Loss of traditional values and spiritual practices 

• Intergenerational trauma 

• Feelings of isolation and shame

• Lack of motivation 

Effects on children:

• Increased risk for emotional behavioral problems, whether they have been abused or have witnessed abuse

• Anxiety 

• Depression

• Struggles in school

• Feeling overly fearful

• Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender.

• Intimate partner and dating violence can occur between past and present partners.

• The most dangerous time for someone who is experiencing domestic violence can be when they are trying to leave their abusive partner.

If you are experiencing dating or relationship violence in any form, it's good to have a plan. Maybe you aren't ready to leave, or maybe you need to leave right away. In either case, having a plan beforehand will help to ensure your safety in this difficult time. We highly recommend you work with a domestic violence advocate who can help you with this process, but if you don’t and are ready to leave, by taking the following steps you can help to protect yourself and/or your children.

1. Assess your threat/risk/lethality: Has the offender threatened to kill? Does he have access to guns? Has he strangled during an assault? These are indicators of serious danger, especially when you attempt to leave the situation.

2. Gather documents you may need: Gather ID cards, medical records, money, checks, credit and ATM cards, insurance papers, extra sets of keys, car title, mortgage or rental agreements, photos, and small items of sentimental value. Hide them in a location available only to you.

3. Home and personal safety: Vary your routine; do not take the same route to work or the store; install a deadbolt on a bedroom door; hide a phone to call 911 and ask neighbors to call 911 if they hear noise or screams.

4. Phone and social media safety: If you think your activities are being monitored, assume you are being watched. Use a land line whenever possible, avoid using your home computer and do not use social media.

5. Address confidentiality: If you have relocated without the offender, get a PO box and use it with all service providers such as doctors, schools, etc.

6. Keep children safe: When transporting children, do not use the same route each time. Notify—in writing—school, daycare, babysitter, etc. of who is allowed to pick up your children.

7. Keep safe when outside the home: Inform supervisors and co-workers of your situation and ask for help. Vary your route to work and leave work with other people.

8. Court appearances: Attending court can be a serious risk to you and your children. Speak with an advocate or court personnel and devise an entrance/exit plan.

9. Drug or alcohol use: Using drugs or alcohol puts you and your children at great disadvantage for safety and can undermine your credibility. Try not to use them.

10. Protection orders: Give careful thought before requesting a Protective Order and include a victim advocate in the discussion.

11. Know your options: If you don't feel safe visiting an advocacy program or leaving for a  shelter, look for other resources like websites or hotlines if you have questions or need help. You can contact Kinship Heals at any time. We are here to help and will always keep your information confidential. You can also contact the StrongHearts Native Helpline at 1-844-762-8483 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for help.

When family is involved, it adds more to think about. You'll need to think about how to keep children or siblings safe and out of harm's way. If you don't plan to leave, think about temporary places of safety, like a shelter or the house of a trusted family member or friend.

Healing may feel far away, but it is possible. There are things that you can do at any time that will help, including:

• Participating in therapy/counseling 

• Safety planning, with an advocacy organization and/or trusted support groups 

• Joining support groups 

• Taking part in traditional ceremonies and practices to begin regaining a sense of self 

• Picking up a new hobby, such as: 

  • Reading

  • Writing/Journalling

  • Art of any form 

  • Running and/or going for walks

• Building a healthy support system

• Reconnecting with your community 

• Setting healthy boundaries